It's not only my story

     What you are about to read may be the most intimate and personal thing I've posted on this blog. I say this because they aren't my words but those of one of my recently reunited amazing cousins. With her permission I've decided to post her letter as a gentle reminder, mainly to me and other adopted children, our adoption story doesn't only belong to us. We all may feel like the "main" character of some drawn out human drama but we are really only a player in a bigger story on a larger stage. 

     When I read this email I wept. I wept for my mom and dad who gave me a wonderful upbringing and enough love for ten lifetimes. I wept for my mother Rosemary who made the tough choice to give me up with hope of a better life for me. I wept for my father Darrel, who I've only begun to develop a relationship with. And I wept for the Higgins family; my uncle and aunt, my cousins, and my late grandmother and grandfather, who all lived with me in their hearts for many years before I rediscovered them. 

"Hey Todd,

     First of all, I want to say, welcome to our family!! I hope that you've found us all to greet you with open arms, show lots of love and be slightly weird and awkward in the process. Growing up, I always thought my family was weird and awkward -- I guess all kids feel that way, but as an adult with greater understanding about life and how things work, I can honestly say we're definitely weird and awkward!

     It's so cool to get to finally meet someone that I have heard about for years and never thought I'd actually have the opportunity to meet! I have a terrible memory so I've been trying to sit down and rack my brains with  memories about Aunt Rosie. I'd like to share some of those with you and then also share from my experience as a grandkid to Grandma and Grandpa Higgins (a.k.a. Grandma and Grandpa Glasses, but we'll get to that!)

     When I think about Aunt Rosie, I picture her with a glimmer in her eye -- a glimmer for mischief. I think that's a Higgins characteristic because I saw it in Grandpa, see it in my dad, myself and my brother and now my daughter. It's kind of like we have this brain that is in overdrive with wit and a desire to see how far we can push a situation before we really get in trouble! I loved when Rosie would share stories with me about ways my dad got in trouble as a kid, how she bossed him around, how she stuffed him in her baby doll carriage to give him a ride through the yard and gave him a permanent scar on his back. The stories were great because Rosie was ratting on my dad, but she was also a great story teller!

     I think I was around 8 or so -  she and John wanted me to come visit during the summer. I remember them telling my mom to just "put her on a Greyhound and send her to Missouri" That's a bad idea today and it was especially bad in in 1983!  I did end up going though with Grandma and Grandpa for a couple of weeks. Again, I don't remember much (I'm really no help here!!), but I do remember us making homemade cinnamon rolls which were delish!

     Rosie, John and the boys came to visit us in Texas the first year we moved there -- so that was the summer before my 4th grade year. Again, I don't remember much but I do remember riding bikes with Joe and Dan on Christmas Eve in our shorts. That's Texas for you!

     Thinking back, I realized the last time I saw her was in 2001. I had been living down south, quit my job and Dad and my sister Mary drove down to move me to Pennsylvania. On the way home, we stopped at Rosie and John's. Rosie was always interested in what I was doing in life and at that time in life I felt like a failure. I just quit a job with no other prospects. I was 26 and single with no prospects... She was just an encouragement to be around. I don't remember her saying anything in particular, it was just her. She had so many health issues, she had emotional issues that I don't think anyone truly knew the depths of, yet she always had that smile and that twinkle in her eye. Circumstances were not getting her down.

     I was at work the day she died. I knew she'd been getting sicker and had been in the hospital, but the phone call from my mom was still a surprise. I cried with my coworkers who told me to go home and be with my family. When I got home, I found my dad busily moving through the house fixing all of these random things that had probably been on a "honey do" list for months! He just couldn't sit down. He needed to move. Thinking about that day still brings me to tears. I can't imagine what it must be like to be the last person left from your immediate family. We all expect our parents to go before us, but then when siblings are gone -- I can't imagine what he must have felt. Something you need to know about us Higgins folks: We feel things deeply -- we just don't know how to express it well. It comes out in anger, sometime in silence.....

     That's why finding you became even more important and special. I think you have been a gift to my dad in ways we'll never fathom. I've told him to please write down all he's feeling in this process and I'm so thankful you have been too through your blog.

I'm on a roll here, so I'm just going to keep going. If you need to take a potty break or get a snack, feel free to do so!! :)

     I want to tell you about our grandparents -- Grandma and Grandpa Glasses -- from the perspective of a grandchild. As a kid, I had come up with this name simply because they both wore glasses. (My other grandparents were Grandma and Grandpa Beard based only on the fact that my Grandpa Hahn and a beard.  So creative!) When I hear stories about them wanting Rosie to give you up, this simply isn't the Glasses I knew!

     By the time I knew them, they were different people. They had both accepted Christ and were having their lives changed because of that relationship. In my mind, Grandpa was a big man. Tall with big hands is what I remember. But more important than anything I knew he loved me. I mean, he LOVED me! He was kind of the stereotypical grandpa. He took me fishing in the pond behind their house, we'd feed the ducks with stale bread pieces, we'd watch the Muppet Show together, and he'd share his candy (coffee candy to be exact). He was the first person in my life that died. I was 10 years old and the phone rang. When my mom told me what happened, I just remembered her holding me and me crying. I just didn't understand why he had to go. I still get emotional when I think about it.

     Grandma, well, she was a tough nut to crack. I wish I had a better understanding of her life because I think it would shed so much light into everything. I always knew that she loved me, I just didn't have the same closeness or bond with her that I did with Grandpa. I feel like she probably held me and a lot of people at an arms distance. The word "nurturing" which you might expect in a mom or grandma wouldn't be used in describing her. A few months after Grandpa died, we moved to Texas and she came along to help get us settled in. We had an 80 something Ford station wagon (yes, with wood panel), grandma, mom, dad, a 4th grader, a 2 year old and a 5 month baby drove from Lima, Ohio to Longview, TX in 3 days! I don't know where you stand on God, but it was a miracle that someone didn't throw themselves from that car or get left at a rest stop! It's amazing that we all made it in one piece! Grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few years after that and died not long after her diagnosis.

     This is probably all stuff you've heard from dad, but I wanted to tell you from the grandkid perspective. I do believe with my whole heart that you were never gone from their hearts. I'm sure that they thought about you, prayed for you and I'm sure regretted decisions they'd made. I also believe that things happen for a purpose and reasons far beyond what we can even see. You were blessed with an amazing mom and dad. You were chosen by them -- I love the thought of that. You were chose and you were in! In the family and loved.

     I don't really know how to wrap this up -- I don't really want to. I want the conversations to continue! If you think of questions, don't hesitate to ask because maybe they'll help trigger some memories!

     I'm SO looking forward to spending time with you and Mary when you come to visit. I hope we can look at old pictures, share more stories and just spend time together!!  I'm so excited to have a new cousin! I start so many stories with friends and coworker with "My new cousin", they all think you're about 5 months old.

     
     That's all for now! Talk to you soon!

Emily"