It's been almost a year to the day since I sent my official request to obtain my original birth records. It's also been quite awhile since I've written about my adoption story. Over the past many months I've been working on other things and my attention has been directed elsewhere. But with the anniversary of my discovery approaching I've been thinking a lot about what the past year revealed.
Last summer it seemed I was learning something new about my birth mother, my birth father, my birth family, or myself, nearly every week. It was an emotional period which culminated with a visit to my aunt and uncle's Pennsylvania home in September for my birthday. My first birthday with my first family. Trying to digest everything I was told about my birth mother by her family and friends was at times exhaustive and exhausting. My appetite for information was unquenchable but everyone did a great job of not overloading my circuitry. We were riding a wave and no one wanted to stop.
If learning about my birth mother wasn't emotionally draining enough, I also started building a relationship with my birth father, who lives in Florida. He's not much on writing, preferring to talk on the phone. I'm the opposite, so we've been sporadically communicating over the past ten months. We've gone months without chatting but when we do we seem to pick up right where we left off. All is well.
I can't think of a single dour note throughout the entire process. But to be candid, while I have taken some emotional risks in reaching out to people, the path was already prepared before I began. After discovering my mother's identity and Googling her name, I found my uncle had already been searching for me. That made contact with him an easier risk to take. And through his searching he managed to track down my birth father, who assured him he'd be open in reconnecting with me. This laid the ground work and gave me confidence I wouldn't be rejected. And while initially they were both shocked to hear from me, my birth mother's step-sons were very charitable with the information they shared about their mom. They knew about me but certainly never expected me to find them.
I feel so blessed to have these long lost family members back in my life. And I'm thankful I finally got most of the answers to long held questions about my beginnings. My adopted family, especially my mom, have all been incredibly supportive of my investigation and discoveries. I couldn't have done it without their support.
The one piece of the puzzle which still alludes me, however, is the one piece which might not turn out the way I would like, if I were to pursue it in earnest. My birth father has a daughter who is just a bit older than me. For various reasons, which I want share for privacy reasons, have a strained relationship--they don't communicate with each other. And I've struggled on whether I should reach out to her. Part of me wants to reach out to her to let her know she has a half-brother. The other part of me says let sleeping dogs lie.
By the way, I've talked to my birth father and he's giving me his blessing on contacting her if I chose to do so. I wouldn't be betraying his privacy or confidence in any manner.
I've pondered many scenarios and outcomes since learning about her last summer. Perhaps on some level, discovering she has a half-brother might help to begin healing her relationship with her father. Maybe she'll find it as an incentive to work things out with him. However, I think this notion might be a bit naive and wishful thinking on my part. Perhaps the opposite would occur and she'd reject me out of spite or indifference. Which, by the way, would be her right entirely but would have nothing to do with me personally. Though, I'd still feel the sting of her rejection.
I've also wondered if it really even matters whether she knows about me or not. There could be very valid reasons why she feels the way she does and my interruption in her life could cause painful feelings she's not interested in confronting. People keep their distance from others for a reason. However, I can only say if I had a half-sibling somewhere in the world I would want to know. But that's coming from someone who hasn't experienced the relational parental strife she's experienced. Maybe she's left that part of her life behind.
I've thought about sending a cryptic message through Facebook inquiring as to whether she'd be interested in knowing details regarding her father. It would really come down to the wording of the message. I don't want to reveal too much incase she's not interested but I don't want to be too vague as I would fear appearing as though I'm some sort of scammer.
The bottom line is I'm less concerned about my feelings than I am those of my half-sister and father. In an ideal situation it would be his job to tell her about me but given the circumstance of their relationship and the backstory I'm aware of, I don't think this is a viable option. The last thing I want is to hurt anyone or further damage their relationship.
Your thoughts and comments are welcome.
