When I received my original birth certificate in April, I uncovered the identity of two strangers: my birth mother Rosemary and an infant child named Joseph Paul. Of course, Joseph Paul, or "J.P." as he's become known in our house, was me before I was given up for adoption. I was quite surprised to find I had been given a name. Not all but many children of blind adoption, especially during the period of the 1950's and 1960's, were simply named "baby boy" or "baby girl," in order to keep the transaction as anonymous and as impersonal as possible. I couldn't understand why Rosie would've given me name but after discovering a letter written by her in my adoption file, her reason become very clear. After I was born, it was at least a week (probably more, but I'm not sure exactly) before she finally decided to put me up for adoption. In the letter dated eight days after I was born she conveyed her frustrations in not being able to get the support she needed from her family and asked the social worker to set up a time as soon as possible to sign the adoption papers. I believe during that week, before she wrote the letter, she was still hoping she could figure out a way to keep me. This is why she gave me a name. If she hadn't wanted this I don't think she would've bothered.
When I met my mother's family, my Uncle Jerry revealed "Joseph Paul" was a family name. Joseph was my grandfather's middle name and Paul was Jerry's Confirmation name. At first the notion of having another name, or quasi identity as it were, was kind of amusing. I thought the name "J.P. Higgins" sounded rather regal and would make a great pen name or literary character. I even joked I could begin a new life as J.P. and no one would be the wiser. My paralegal wife was quick to remind me that sort of ploy is considered fraud and I probably wouldn't fare well in prison.
I've mentioned this before but as a recap, after I received my birth certificate I Googled the name and found a posting from someone looking for Joseph Paul Higgins. It turned out the message was posted by my Uncle Jerry in 2012. It's listing #208296 and I have a vague recollection seeing it (or something similar) at one point during one of my periods of searching. But honestly, it could be my mind tricking me into believing I came across it. If I did see it, I can almost promise I would've discounted it since my name isn't Joseph Paul. Again, it never dawned on me I might have been given another name at birth. But since learning about this "J.P." person, I find myself thinking about him quite intently at times. To be candid, the mere fact he (I) had a name and existed for a week or more before being put up for adoption give his identity a little bit of credibility. Sure he was an infant who was ill-equipped to understand what was happening but that doesn't negate him. He was a person beginning life like everyone else does; vulnerable, dependent, and unaware how his life would unfold. A like many of other children who wound up in adoption at a very early age, he faced the proverbial fork in the road and had no control over which path he would travel. Boy, this would make a great Twilight Zone script. A troubled soul is given the chance to go back to the beginning and take the other path. What will he find? See, this J.P. has some real literary potential, but I digress.
I suppose if I knew nothing of my roots I wouldn't give much though to this divergent path. However, as I learn more and more about Rosemary's life and the path she traveled before her passing, I can't help but think what J.P.'s life would've entailed. I certainly think of the milestones and experiences he might of had in comparison to those in my life. Where would he have gone to school? Would he have been a better student? What sports would he have played? What career would he have chosen? I'd love to be able to lay down the two timelines side by side and see how they compare.
On a more personal level though, I've also contemplated if he would've had a better sense of who he was as a child and young adult. At times I struggled trying to figure that out and looking back I think subconsciously I was probably dealing with issues resulting from my adoption. I wonder if he would've have felt more confidence or had a greater sense of belonging by being around people he shared DNA. Adopted children do not always feel this way--I didn't. Sometimes I even felt like a guest. I'm not suggesting anyone attempted to marginalize me. My adopted clan accepted me with open arms and loved me. However, when you're standing in a room full of family member who look nothing like you or share any of your mannerisms or traits, it's a frequent and glaring reminder of possessing an alien pedigree.
For those who aren't adopted it may be a tough concept to wrap the mind around but trust me, adopted children often internalize the observations very deeply and it can have a negative effect on the psyche. Many adoptees, especially children, aren't sure who they're supposed to be and struggle to find footing. A child might have an inclination to feel or behave a certain way that are opposite of what the adopted family finds acceptable. It's not necessarily some major thing like religion or some other belief but it could be as simple as a talent or nagging desire for something. Often they try to emulate those around them but then blame themselves if and when they fall short. They may also feel disingenuous in their attempts which can result in problems with identity development. As difficult as it might be to understand, some adoptees (even as adults) might feel as though if they don't fall in line with the perceived expectations of their adopted family, someone they hold dear may stop loving them or reject them. For a child who may already feel rejected this is a scary notion. Many have an incredible need for acceptance, attention, and a sense of belonging. I can relate to these feelings and I doubt J.P. would've ever had to deal with them on this level.
That being said however, we all have challenges we must endure throughout our life. And I'm not saying my life experience has been any tougher because I was adopted; it's quite the opposite. It made me stronger and as I've gotten older it's allowed me to know my self-better. And after meeting my biological family I feel as though I've found my place in this world (apologies to Michael W. Smith). I love both of families endlessly and feel so fortunate to have had this experience. My heart wells up whenever I think about everything that has transpired over the past year and I can't wait to see what's around the corner. It keeps getting better and better and I only wish Rosemary were here so we could pick up where we left off all those years ago. I wish she could've met my mom. So regardless of whether at my core I'm Joseph Paul or Todd Alan, I'm always going to be a proud and thankful son to both my mother and my mom.
