Monday, December 21, 2015

What a year it has been!

     It's a bit of a cliche, to say, "If you would've told me a year ago I'd be where I am today...." Honestly though, as 2015 begins to wind down, I can't think of a better way to explain how I feel. When I read in the Dayton Daily News in late 2014 the State of Ohio was going to open their sealed adoption files this year, I faced the possibility of learning the identities of my birth mother and father with both eagerness and trepidation. Not all adoption stories have happy endings and at the time I wasn't sure it was worth opening a potential can of worms. How much havoc and heartache was I willing to put myself and others through for a selfish bit of closure? Was I strong enough to face the possibility of monumental rejection? I couldn't definitively answer these question at the time of the article.
     My biggest concern was hurting my mom's feelings. I never wanted her to feel as though she was being left behind or I was ungrateful for the motherly role she's played in my life. But when she told me she thought it would be a good idea for me to find my roots, a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. Though my mom isn't terribly demonstrative, I know early on there were some moments of wincing. When I would share new details about what I was discovering I could tell it was bothering her a bit. Over time though, her selflessness prevailed. This whole experience would be very different if she weren't in my corner rooting for me--as she has always been. And through this my relationship with her has strengthened and my appreciation for all she and my dad provided me has deepened considerably. Their choice to love me, accept me, and commit to raising me may not be rare but it certainly is remarkable.
     My mom's support was vital in prompting me to request my original birth certificate but it was my Uncle Jerry and his family, carrying the torch lit by my late mother, Rosie, who are really the people who have made this journey possible and pleasant. They didn't have to care about my curiosity. They could've chosen to do nothing after Rosie passed in 2005.  And when I found them they could've closed ranks and rejected me, like many other adoptees have experienced when finding their birth families. But they didn't do any of these things. They not only immediately accepted me but they have embraced my family and for that I'm eternally thankful.
     When I was eventually ready to reach out to Rosie's two boys, whom she raised with their father from the time they were little ones, Joe and Dan were both open to sharing stories and personal mementoes. They're perspectives, as her sons, have been the most interesting, revealing and personal to me. She may have been my mother but she was their mom. I don't think there are two better people who could shed light on the kind of person she was than her boys. Everything I've been told, witnessed in videos, or surmised in pictures, tells me she was full of love with plenty to share with everyone who knew her. I've spoken to a few of her friends and they confirm my impressions of her; Rosie was love.
     Throughout this process I've also been cultivating a relationship with my birth father, Darrel. As we do not live close to each other it's been a real challenge to connect on any deep or meaningful level but I am grateful for the effort he's making. Darrel told me from the very beginning he didn't want to try to replace anyone or step on toes and he's been a man of his word. I appreciate him letting things evolve at my pace. It's hard for me to reach deeper emotionally because I had an amazing dad and this experience has brought to the surface unresolved feelings I have in dealing with his 2002 death. I suppose we can all be better sons and in the new year I will strive to do better on my end.
     My emotions well up when I think about was has transpired over the past year. The love I have uncovered is profound. I so look forward to learning more about my birth families, discovering more truths, and hopefully meeting some of these long lost relatives in person. It's been a rewarding journey and I've tried to share as much of it as I can on this blog. Sometimes I can't write everything because when you're in the midst of the journey you have to hold some things back. Not necessarily in an attempt to be furtive but rather to be respectful and gracious. I've learned this journey doesn't only belong to me but also everyone I've come to know along the way. It's very easy to get caught up in the human drama and become obsessed with one's own desires or emotional needs. I've tried hard not to fall into that swamp and I hope I've handled myself and this story respectfully. I will continue to do so in the new year and I'm anxious to see what else unfolds.