A long time ago, as a child, I stepped on a rusty nail while exploring my grandma's farm. I've written about this on my blog and you can read the gory and hilarious details for yourself. I mention this incident because this past weekend, while meeting with my birth uncle and aunt for the first time, I learned my birth mother, Rosie, also stepped on a rusty nail as a child. As painful as the nail was to me, and as excruciating as it most certainly was to her (the nail came out the top of her foot), I found great warmth in the story. A coincidence for sure, but a connection none the less.
I've only begun to scratch the surface of who Rosie was. I know she was a singer, a performer, a writer, a jokester, a step-mom, and a sweet and caring person. I also know she was profoundly changed by giving me up for adoption, as were her family and close friends. From what I've learned, it seems as though the decision wasn't entirely up to her. With no support offered from her parents, she made the best, albeit difficult, decision she possibly could at the time. She wanted to keep me. Her brother (my uncle), her friend (my aunt), and others wanted her to keep me. It wasn't to be. Her mother and father sternly refused to help or support Rose. Maybe this was a bridge too far for them to cross at the time. Maybe they didn't think she could provide me what was needed. Maybe they were trying to look out and protect their daughter from the struggle of being a single parent. No one really knows all the private conversations which took place between them, but I can imagine they were painful.
Honestly, in the beginning of my search for my birth mother it was all about me. It was about me finding my roots. It was about me discovering where certain traits or talents came from. It was about me hopefully understanding some of my frailties and weaknesses. It was about me quenching a lifelong curiosity. This self-centeredness was somewhat warranted, having inquired twenty years prior about my parents and being told no one had contacted the adoption agency. As I've mentioned in other posts, I thought my parents were either deceased or uninterested in reconnecting. So, the moment I learned my birth mother's name and the subsequent emails describing her personality, traits, talents and the circumstance surrounding my birth, that lifelong curiosity was fed. But when I discovered I hadn't been forgotten or castaway without a second a thought, my self-centered outlook changed dramatically.
I'd been struggling to verbalize my feelings to my wife and others about recognizing the different perspectives of this circumstance; it's a heavy thing when you realize you are the center point of both great joy and great sorrow. My mom and dad and the rest were so happy to make me part of their family. On the other side though, there was great sadness and regret Rosie was pushed to give me up for adoption. I can't imagine the pain, living all those years with a big hole in one's heart. Not every year, but many of my birthday's were big parties with family and friends. And while we were playing pin the tail on the donkey, or putt-putt, or drinking too much on my 21st., somewhere Rosie and her family were thinking about me. They were wondering if I was okay. Wondering where I was and what I was doing. Wondering if I was happy and safe. They wondered, never knowing the answer to those questions. Every year while I looked forward to my birthday, I'm sure there was a part of Rosie and her family wishing they could skip that day.
What I realized over the weekend, with my own curiosities now quenched, from here on out this reconnection is really about Rosie's family. Yes, I'm curious to know more, but if it were all to end today I would be satisfied and grateful. And anything extra, like the photo album I received or the silver baby cup which belong to my mother, is icing on the cake. What I think this is really about, is helping a family find closure on a lifetime of sadness over letting me get away, and me working to help fill the emptiness they've felt for nearly 46 years. It's about beginning a new chapter for both Rosie's family--my family--and me. And I have a suspicion my 46th birthday this September 3rd. may be sweeter than most.
